$4.50The Dynastic Destroyers - A Star Pharaoh Fantasy Football Team

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In a relatively primitive, often-overlooked, nigh-unfashionable end of the galaxy, the 116th Exploration Dynasty of the Star Pharaohs were returning from a successful but extraordinarily costly Hex Crystal recuperation mission. They were sitting on quite a large haul of their sacred crystals, but the aliens who had died trying to keep them from their rightful owners had put up an extraordinary fight, and the Pharaohs were so drastically reduced in their numbers they barely had enough troops to guard the Crystals they had, much less go on further missions. The 116th Exploration Dynasty found a safe planet in which to orbit and was about to embark on a terrifyingly long journey back to the Miles when their scanners picked up something unexpected on the planet below: Another yield of Hex Crystals so large that it made the hard-won haul on which they were sitting look like a handful of dirt. And what's more, it was all gathered in one spot, as if daring its owners to come down from orbit and pluck it back into their clutches. Further scans revealed, however, that it would not be so simple as that: The Crystals were kept in an enormous, well-guarded, underground prize vault for the worldwide championship of the local sport of Blood Ball, a full-contact sport played by all races on the planet below that was as much about scoring points with a ball as it was about sending opposing players off the field in more pieces than that which they had when they entered it. The vault was guarded by armies from every race on the planet, as they all had an equal stake in the Blood Ball championship and wouldn't let any one race make off with the riches before the Championship had concluded. The 116th Dynasty spent many days deliberating the best course of action. A direct assault was out, as even with their primitive level of technology, the opposing forces guarding the vault had vastly superior numbers and the ability to wield mystical forces (which they called "Majick") that the Pharaohs had never seen before and were unwilling to test their technology against. Planetary destruction was out, as the crystals had already been cut and refined, so the risk of them scattering into space, never to be seen again, was too great. Trade was out too, as the peoples below seemed totally uninterested in any technology greater than a cart and beast (unless it came to Blood Ball, in which some races were happy to use heavily-armored combat vehicles if it gave them an edge in the game), and besides, the Dynasty had few resources with which to trade after their last engagement. The deathblow for obtaining the crystals by force, coercion, or trade came from the four sitting Overpharaohs, the finest combat minds in the galaxy. No matter how they computed the figures, the results were always the same: the 116th Dynasty could only spare 16 men for the job, and no more. There was only one possible path to success. If the 116th Dynasty were to have any chance at getting access to the Hex Crystals kept safely in the Prize Vault, then the only thing to do was to draw straws, suit up, and win the Blood Ball Championship! Team Members: Khopesh Warrior Linemen: Not the fastest, not the strongest, but a good all-rounder, the Khopesh Warrior Lineman will take his trusty Karumbit Knuckles straight to the face of any player sat opposite him on the line of scrimmage – no matter how unwise such a move may be. Mummified Linemen: Slightly more fragile than the Khopesh Warriors due to as-yet unrepaired battle damage and an as-yet unrepairable mind, the Mummified are able to channel their madness into the game, and can take their sickle forearm blades to the opposing team at alarming speed – and sometimes to the ball if you let them! Iteru Deadshot Thrower: Nobody in the Blood Ball Rules Committee saw fit to ban optically-synchronized range-finding rifle scopes from assisting players with their passes, as nerve-dismantling sniper rifles were an invention at least a few thousand years away from the imaginations of said Rules Committee. Whether it assists the cyclopean Deadshots with their passes is anyone’s guess, but having him part with his Neural Dismantler was already hard enough. Let him have his toy, and besides, how hard can it be to throw a ball? Editor’s note: the author of this transcript was found with each of his nerve endings disassembled and his head all over the writer’s room. It is apparently very difficult to throw a ball. Athanatos Lancer Catcher: The Athanatos Lancers find it hard to enter a battlefield, even a football pitch, without the simple peace of mind granted by their devastating two-handed weapons powered by the Hex Crystals in their spines. However, they were able to compromise for this mission, and while their Hexphase Ball-Catching Mitts make for poor substitutes for the army-leveling weapons to which they are accustomed, they can take comfort in knowing that the Catchers are the least-utilized role on the team, which grants them more time to think of the battles of yesteryear. Apprentice Annhilator Runner: This Deadshot Hexannhilator had not yet completed his training when he was summoned for this mission. He had not yet been given the Six Gun-arms, and hadn’t yet been taught the Six Sacred Hatreds. But his swift tripod legs are more than capable of moving an inflatable ball from one end of a football pitch to the other, and even though his training occasionally bubbles back to the front of his consciousness and he finds himself aiming nonexistent gun-arms at imaginary enemies swarming all around him, there are far worse ways to score touchdowns when one is in a situation as dire as that of the 116th Exploration Dynasty. Overpharaoh Big Guy: One may think that the Overpharaoh, for all his magnificent tactical ability, would stay on the sidelines as the coach and guide the Dynastic Destroyers to victory. Though his mind is capable of predicting troop movements for every soldier on every continent of the enemy’s territory, the Blood Ball championship presents a rare opportunity for the fearless leader of the 116th Dynasty: The ability to turn off the tactical processors of his brain and participate in the simple yet satisfying pastime of overbearing and unnecessary violence. Any suggestions that the Overpharaoh purposefully threw off initial troop calculations so he can have the opportunity to punch aliens in the face are met with fiery denial followed by swift recycling. Medjay Pharaohguard Blitzer: While the usual task of the Pharaoh’s Guard is to protect the Overpharaoh from any harm, in the game of Blood Ball, the Overpharaoh is more likely to be the one *doing* said harm, freeing the Medjay Pharaohguard to use his superior leg actuators to sprint to the other side of the football pitch and sack any quarterbacks he may find there. In a pinch he can tear off his helmet and use his fierce wolflike snout to maim other players- but only when the referees aren’t looking or have been paid the sufficient bribes. Skorp Bearer of the Ball: Every team needs a mascot, and while the Star Pharaohs are loathe to let their Skorp creations travel in groups smaller than a few thousand, the Bearer of the Ball seemed to have a special affinity for the Star Pharaoh football, and carries it everywhere he goes. The crowds seem to love him too, though they might do well to keep their distance, lest they become intimately familiar with the antimatter gun on his tail, and discover far too late that they, too, are made of matter. Little Pony Referee (from Happy Duck Studios!): Once upon a time, a magical world was in the grips of an evil wizard. Unbeknownst to himself, the evil wizard’s magical powers came exclusively from the store of Hex Crystals he had inherited from his estate, whose powers he controlled with his mystical staff. When the Star Pharaohs smashed the evil wizard’s empire to bits, recovered the Hex Crystals in his store, and flew back into space without a word, the Little Ponies they had unwittingly freed from slavery vowed to assist their mysterious saviors wherever they may find them. Thus when a Little Pony showed up in the ranks of the Blood Ball Referee Association, the Star Pharaohs found, more often than not, that their opponents were thrown from the game for terribly small offenses, and the Little Pony’s head turned away when the Overpharaoh placed his power knuckles in places where the Referee Association would prefer not to find them. It’s good to have friends at the top. Cutiecron Referee (from Happy Duck Studios!): The Star Pharaohs and the Cutiecrons have had their differences. They have not always been on the same side when it comes to disputes over territory or opinions on fashion. On more than one occasion the Star Pharaohs have been irked by the playful pranks of the Cutiecrons and the Cutiecrons tire of the cold stoicism, crystal obsession, and choice of eye liner of the Star Pharaohs. But at the end of the day, soulless skeletal killing robots have more in common with each other with each other than with loathsome flesh-having aliens, so when the Cutiecrons wormed their way into the ranks of the Referee Association they found kindred spirits in the Dynastic Destroyers, and are willing to look the other way when the Overpharaoh gets too eager with his punches. The Dynastic Destroyers are a proxy for Shambling Undead, Human, and Khemri Blood Bowl teams